The little voice in my head...
The little voice in my head is telling me I’m not good enough. This is a huge part of body dysmorphia (BD) for me. I’m not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough…not a good enough mother or wife…not a good enough friend…I haven’t accomplished enough. I start feeding these thoughts by comparing myself to others. The woman with the cleaner and nicer home that is strikingly beautiful and seems to always have it together. I see these women at preschool drop off, as I scroll Facebook, and in my friends. I fall into this self destructive cycle, which I’m currently in, and wonder why I believe I am so much less than someone else.
Logically, I know none of it is true. I know what people want me to see of them. And don’t most people want you to see a perfect picture? I don’t know their struggles and sacrifices. I know the script I’ve written in my head. When I start to compare myself to these women, I feel so hollow and empty. Small and invisible. I feel sad. And that’s when the BD has a firm grasp on me. All I see are flaws. I cannot look in a mirror and see anything good, so much in fact that I cancelled plans a few weeks ago because I felt too ugly to be seen.
But, what if I did have all the flaws I imagine to see? Does that really diminish who I am as a person? Or who I hope that I am. I am more than my exterior shell after all.
I’m taking an exposed and vulnerable step in faith to begin to share my story. Keeping this near life long secret has controlled my life and by exposing it’s ugly truth I hope to let it have less power over me. Obsessively critiquing and controlling my appearance hasn’t made me happy. I want to teach my daughter about having a healthy relationship with herself and to love herself completely. So, here it is the beginning of my truth. Shedding light into the dark and a step towards the begining of a more loving and forgiving relationship with myself.
I am enough. I hope in time when I say those words it fills my emptiness and replaces it with contentedness, gratitude, and self acceptance.
With love and peace, Laura
